you didn't try to enslave me or have me killed on multiple occasions, so you're lacking in some of the basic requirements to earn my hatred, i'd say. try harder.
i would also say it'll fade but i'm not so sure it will. death hasn't. and then the emptiness is terrible.
i don't know, i think you might need unicorns, too. but if all you want is company, then maybe i can help. call it a favor. i know it's hard to find people who even understand what you're talking about.
you were never my enemy. the rest... i’ve bled enough. we both have. there’s no need to bleed over old wounds now. at least not the ones that we can help.
it’s enough to spend more time than i need to drunk. of course, i can usually afford the luxury. there are benefits to being a nothing and no one.
you’d make a statement in them. let’s go hunting together. i promise to try not to shoot you. or we could just enjoy a bottle of bourbon.
[ It’s a dingy bar, low lit and heavy with smoke — perfect for Mal to get lost in, just another anonymous face amongst the other patrons. He drums his fingers along the table and takes a sip of his liquor. ]
i have a drink waiting for you. unfortunately it’s not unicorn tears.
[ Nikolai makes it there quickly, even dressed down and without his perks. He's doing the normal person thing, just as Mal suggested. The bar really is dingy and low lit, which is probably best for both of them. He has to be careful these days, but he still wants to go out.
He heads straight over to Mal when he sees him, sliding into the seat next to him at the bar. He doesn't waste a moment in knocking some of the drink back.]
[ It's a bizarre moment to actually be sharing drinks with Nikolai -- willingly, instead of being forced to stand guard at his table and watch the handsome prince say all the right things to Alina. He comes without all the pomp and circumstance this time, dressed like everyone else, blending seamlessly into the environment and immediately partaking of his drink. Mal has already had too many, and he nurses his current glass, brooding and yet somehow still straight-backed and attentive as a soldier. ]
I don't think I could hunt a unicorn. Aside from the problem of tracking it, I wouldn't want to eat it, and I'm through with killing creatures outside of necessity.
[It's not as bizarre for Nikolai, he's done this a thousand times before as Sturmhond, as Nikolai trying to blend in and do just this, even if he doesn't need to go anywhere for a drink- he can have anything brought to him. But that's not what he likes, it's not what he wants. He would much rather be here with Mal. He never wanted any bad blood between them, but there was always Alina.
He downs the rest of the drink, then orders another. ]
I wouldn't want you to and I wouldn't want to either. How are you, Mal?
[ Nikolai has had far more practice at appearing at ease and being perfectly diplomatic while Mal still struggles with it, his forehead creased, mouth pulling into a frown. The scar at his jaw still stands out among the days old stubble on his chin. ]
Restless. [ Dreams of a knife sinking into his chest have driven any hope of sleep away. It's strange, the way bits and pieces of death float in and out of his mind. Small tastes, never all at once. It's maddening, impossible to piece together, but he fears full clarity of it would drive him insane. ] You seem in an awfully good mood for someone who's had a rough night.
[Nikolai can tell- he can pick up on all the small things. Much like Mal used to be a tracker, Nikolai was a reader of people. He had to be. He wonders though, what could calm a person even more than quite a few drinks, but he knows it's not that easy. ]
I'm assuming you don't just mean in the 'stuck here' sense. [Nikolai understands those feelings all too well. the bits and pieces of death- but in a monstrous way, eating away at what was left of him, trying to hold on to himself as much as he could and losing so much of it. He's still not sure if he has all of himself back] Do I? I suppose I've learned to put on a good show.
I just couldn’t sleep. I feel like I live a life interrupted now. [ And there are only two people who could understand the words coming from his mouth. One is sitting right next to him, and the other is Alina. Always Alina, his tether and his heartbeat, except now he knows it’s not enough. She misses the light, and he feels like a part of him died in the shadow fold. He feels like he has nothing to offer her when she deserves an entire universe of suns.
He watches another drink appear in front of Nikolai, tightening his fingers around his own. ] I’ve never seen anyone put on a better show than you. It’s impressive. I also wonder if you’ve ever let anyone see behind the smoke and mirrors. Zoya? Genya? Did you ever show Alina?
Understandable. That really is what it was. What it came down to. [And it's true. Only two people can really understand. Just the same as he thinks really only Mal might be able to understand him. Not even Alina, because while she went through an ordeal as well, it wasn't the same as what Nikolai and Mal went through.
He's checked up on her of course, here and there, but he hasn't pried into their business. He doesn't know how they're doing, but if Mal is sitting here alone at a bar.... with Nikolai of all people, it can't be too good]
I do like to impress. [But then he ponders Mal's question for a moment] I tried to show Alina, yes. Both of you, even, but more her, I suppose. But now? Sometimes I'm not even sure what's behind the smoke and mirrors.
Sometimes I still feel like a monster. Like all that darkness is still gnawing its way deep inside of me. [He says before knocking back another drink. Well, he does have to catch up to Mal, doesn't he?]
I knew nothing would be the same the moment I couldn’t go back to the first army. [ He wants to blame Nikolai’s father for that, but the truth is he can only blame himself for deserting in the first place. ] But I never expected anything that came after that. [ And it had simply kept coming, a barrage of horrors that he’d tried his best to stand up to for Alina’s sake. But those horrors had left a mark on both of them. He knows when she thinks of the Darkling. When she stares at the tree that had held the dead. When she longs to call upon the light. That same emptiness plagues him too, his connection with the living permanently severed. It was like losing a sense that he never knew didn’t truly belong to him, but it had been his all the same. It had defined him, given him purpose. And then Alina had taken it from him when she’d been forced to take his life, and even worse was that he’d taken her most precious gift as well.
He loves her. He thinks a part of him always will. But there’s a steady resentment growing between them, festering in the sorrow clinging to their hearts, and neither know how to move past it. Perhaps both of them feel more dead than alive, but only Mal feels death in the corners of his mind, memories flickering through him that he has no hope of banishing.
And if he really thinks about it, Alina can’t understand. It’s unfair to ask her to, just as he can’t wrap his mind around the Darkling’s twisted hold on her. He knows the tremendous guilt she carries for doing this to him. He doesn’t want to add to it, and that’s why he’s alone more often than not, trying to make sense of the complications within his mind, but he’s no closer than he was at the start. But when he talks to Nikolai, perhaps it’s wishful thinking, but he feels like there’s a possibility that he can understand. ]
The Darkling is gone, but he left us all his gifts. [ They’re haunted by the darkness he’d left behind, and Mal’s eyes travel to Nikolai’s hands, the gloves he wears somehow adding to the mysterious charm of his persona, but Mal knows the real reason they’re there. He doesn’t care who sees his scars — and there are many — but Nikolai’s are different. They’re a constant reminder of having his humanity forcibly stripped away, enslaved by the darkness. He remembers Alina telling him about the blood, and he wonders if Nikolai remembers who he’d killed when he wasn’t himself. He gestures to the gloves. ] Have they gotten better? [ Could he ever touch someone with his bare hands again? ]
I know this will probably sound rather trite, but you could find a different purpose now. Nothing will compare to the first army, but... there are other lives out there.
[Easier for the King of scars to say, possibly, but he knows they can only do their best. They all have been, he's sure of it. He still loves Alina as well- as much as he could love her in the short period of time they had together. He wonders if she ever told Mal that Nikolai had asked her to stay again, but she went with Mal instead. Or course she did. She was always going to.
But the Darkling still has a hold on them on, that much is clear as well. Nikolai understands that part of it as well. He understands. ]
How generous of him.
[Nikolai says bitterly. He glances down at his gloved hands when he notices Mal looking and his hands tighten around the glass he's holding. ]
Not by much. I don't think they ever will. It seems like such a foolish thing, but I don't think I'd ever let anyone see.
[ He wants to scoff or even outright laugh in Nikolai's face at the suggestion despite knowing that he's only trying to help. Finding purpose is no easy task, and lately he's not very good at finding anything. ]
Ravka doesn't offer any other life besides being a soldier. [ He can't keep the bitterness from his words, and he almost wants to take them back, knowing that Nikolai yearns for better for this country. He's certainly an improvement from his father, but change is slow, and Mal is tired of the hopelessness.
But then he feels a stab of guilt at Nikolai's next admission, the shame he bears so visible that he doesn't have to see his hands at all. The circle of people who know the truth is small, and now he feel it will remain that way, a terrible secret that will keep Nikolai just out of reach of a real connection with anyone. Mal's relationship with Alina might be showing fissures under pressure, but their intimacy has always been an easy thing. He rubs the scar at his chin and twists his empty glass in his fingers. ] They're battle scars. People can't fault their king for fighting for his people.
[Nikolai can practically feel Mal wanting to scoff at him. He would deserve it, but what else can he say? The change is slow and that part drives Nikolai mad as well. There is only so much he can do right now and he has to undo so many horrors. It's hard to know where to start, but he's trying. Saints, he's trying. ]
You could always.... [he pauses, then takes a deep breath] You could always come back and work with me. We could use someone like you. I could use someone like you around, Mal.
[Nikolai knows Mal is right, but it still reminds himself of such a dark part of himself that he's not even sure is completely gone. He doesn't want to lose any more of himself]
[ The offer surprises him, glancing sharply at him before looking away and wondering just how he'd gotten here, sitting at a bar with the famed King of Scars, being propositioned for a job. ]
What exactly would I do, moi tsar? [ Sarcasm drips from his words, but he's only biting back because he feels wounded, useless. What purpose could he possibly serve? Without Alina, he doesn't amount to much. He'd only ever been important when he was giving his all daily to keep her safe as her personal guard.
He caves and orders yet another drink. ] What else is it about? You're allowed to have flaws.
[ Nikolai isn't as surprised as Mal is. It would be the best place for him. Or maybe a better place for him. At least they're trying to rebuild.
The sarcasm doesn't bother him, he expects it by now. He takes a drink thinking. ]
I need people around me who know the lay of the land. Who know the ways of the First Army but who aren't blind to everything else around them. People I can trust. I trust you, Mal. And I don't believe that your skills were tied to that one single thing.
[He stays quiet for a long moment, then glances at Mal]
No. Not yet. I am still establishing myself as King. Flaws can be detrimental, especially ones that remind you that you were a monster.
[ He just stares for a moment, trying to wrap his mind around the offer, imagining himself back at court, back into the twisted politics of Ravka. He’d hated it then, but he’s floundering now, searching for a purpose, and despite all the jabs and comments, he believes Nikolai is the best thing for Ravka right now. If he can’t save it, then Mal isn’t sure it can be saved.
He swallows, drumming his fingers lightly atop the scarred bar. ] Would I be in your guard? [ He already knows many of the others. Zoya, Genya, David. People he trusts now, people he’s risked his life beside. He knows if any change is to come, Nikolai can’t fight the people closest to him. He needs people he can trust. ] If I don’t get a fancy pin, the answer is no.
[ He tips his glass back, then looks down at the wavering liquid when he sets it back down, knowing that Nikolai is right about the scars. They’re a weakness he can’t afford, something that might scare the superstitious people, and there’s already enough unrest about the grisha. ] Your story isn’t mine to tell. Your secret will always be safe with me.
[ Nikolai can't say that things are much better, but they are definitely different and not as twisted as they were when the rest of his family held the royal court. To have someone like Mal around would do wonders, Nikolai imagines. He's sure he's always seen more in him than Mal has thought he had. ]
You would be, yes and you already know some of the others. [Like Mal is thinking- Zoya, Genya, David, a few others. The ones he can trust. The ones who he knows can help him rebuild Ravka] I can have a fancy pin made for you by morning if that's what it takes.
[And this is one of the many reasons it would be good to have Mal around. He understands. He knows about the weaknesses he can't afford and Nikolai knows that his secrets will always be safe] I know they will be. So what do you say?
My credentials include serving as the head of the Sun Summoner's personal guard, you know. Fancy pin, and I get the great honor of standing outside your door all night. Then it's a deal. [ He truly doesn't care what position they have him fill. This could give him the sense of belonging that he's been missing for too long now.
He turns slightly, letting go of his glass to offer his hand to shake. ] I'll have to get used to bowing again.
How many demands would you like to add to this list? [Nikolai asks, amused and pleased, because he's pretty sure this is a yes, even if Mal is drunk. He's almost positive the answer will be the same in the morning light.
He smiles when Mal extends his hand and reaches out, curling his fingers around it in a handshake.]
Maybe only once a day. But you'll definitely have the fancy pin, I'll make sure of it.
Let's keep a running list. I'll add to it as they come to me. [ He feels a weight lift away when he shakes his hand, and just like that, he's once again interested in what the coming days might bring. ] Try and make sure the uniform compliments my eyes, too.
This sounds like it might get dangerous. Let's keep the list at twenty demands. I'm sure we can work with those.
[Nikolai suddenly feels a great weight lift from his shoulders as well. A strong, firm handshake as he can manage, and then he's make to ordering another two drinks to.. celebrate? Sure. This is a cause for celebration.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
@sunsoldier
Date: 2017-12-03 06:32 am (UTC)really? that seems like it would be a hard thing to forget. I do things well so often.
[Now he's just pulling your chain, Mal. He knows you're drunk]
rough day, yes. I think a good bourbon will do tonight.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-03 01:47 pm (UTC)you don’t strike me as a bourbon guy. i somehow imagined you drinking unicorn tears or something equally princely.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 05:39 am (UTC)unicorn tears? that's ridiculous, even for you, mal.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 05:59 am (UTC)was that too much? it didn’t seem like too much. it seemed like your level of much.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 06:04 am (UTC)bourbon and unicorn tears if you can find it. i'm sure you can, you're good at that sort of thing.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 06:09 am (UTC)i’d have to find a unicorn first. and then i’d have to make it cry. what kind of person do you think i am?
on second thought, you don’t have to answer that.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 06:24 am (UTC)one of the finest trackers. beyond that, a lot more.
too late.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 11:34 am (UTC)what do you dream about?
that seems like a lifetime ago.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-04 09:30 pm (UTC)monsters. blood. fear.
it does. a lot has changed.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 12:45 am (UTC)do you still feel the darkness there?
i'm no longer one of the finest trackers, for one. i'm afraid you'll have to look to someone else for the unicorn.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 03:33 am (UTC)all the time.
i don't need unicorns. i just need company.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 04:24 am (UTC)i would also say it'll fade but i'm not so sure it will. death hasn't. and then the emptiness is terrible.
i don't know, i think you might need unicorns, too. but if all you want is company, then maybe i can help. call it a favor. i know it's hard to find people who even understand what you're talking about.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 04:36 am (UTC)i'm not sure it will either, honestly. that emptiness, i feel it too. it gnaws at me. i wake up feeling unreal at times.
what will unicorns do for me? not much. i can always return the favor if you'd like.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 07:17 am (UTC)it’s enough to spend more time than i need to drunk. of course, i can usually afford the luxury. there are benefits to being a nothing and no one.
you’d make a statement in them. let’s go hunting together. i promise to try not to shoot you. or we could just enjoy a bottle of bourbon.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 08:02 am (UTC)[But maybe that's a subject better not brought up right now]
you aren't nothing and no one, mal.
i think i would like that. either of those things.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 11:24 am (UTC)i’m not a tracker, i’m not a soldier. sometimes you have to accept the truth.
then we will. i’ll sober up for a hunt or else i really might kill you.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 11:54 am (UTC)you can still be many things, mal. there is always hope.
how about a drink now and hunting later. like i said, I am far too sober.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 12:32 pm (UTC)[ He sends him an address, then signals the bartender for a bourbon. ]
try to make an entrance like a normal person and not like nikolai lantsov.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 12:37 pm (UTC)the last thing i want to do right now is attract attention. you will hardly notice me.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-05 02:49 pm (UTC)i have a drink waiting for you. unfortunately it’s not unicorn tears.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 12:44 am (UTC)[ Nikolai makes it there quickly, even dressed down and without his perks. He's doing the normal person thing, just as Mal suggested. The bar really is dingy and low lit, which is probably best for both of them. He has to be careful these days, but he still wants to go out.
He heads straight over to Mal when he sees him, sliding into the seat next to him at the bar. He doesn't waste a moment in knocking some of the drink back.]
This might almost be as good as unicorn tears.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 01:18 am (UTC)I don't think I could hunt a unicorn. Aside from the problem of tracking it, I wouldn't want to eat it, and I'm through with killing creatures outside of necessity.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 02:17 am (UTC)He downs the rest of the drink, then orders another. ]
I wouldn't want you to and I wouldn't want to either. How are you, Mal?
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 02:43 am (UTC)Restless. [ Dreams of a knife sinking into his chest have driven any hope of sleep away. It's strange, the way bits and pieces of death float in and out of his mind. Small tastes, never all at once. It's maddening, impossible to piece together, but he fears full clarity of it would drive him insane. ] You seem in an awfully good mood for someone who's had a rough night.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 06:08 am (UTC)I'm assuming you don't just mean in the 'stuck here' sense. [Nikolai understands those feelings all too well. the bits and pieces of death- but in a monstrous way, eating away at what was left of him, trying to hold on to himself as much as he could and losing so much of it. He's still not sure if he has all of himself back] Do I? I suppose I've learned to put on a good show.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 06:46 am (UTC)He watches another drink appear in front of Nikolai, tightening his fingers around his own. ] I’ve never seen anyone put on a better show than you. It’s impressive. I also wonder if you’ve ever let anyone see behind the smoke and mirrors. Zoya? Genya? Did you ever show Alina?
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 07:03 am (UTC)He's checked up on her of course, here and there, but he hasn't pried into their business. He doesn't know how they're doing, but if Mal is sitting here alone at a bar.... with Nikolai of all people, it can't be too good]
I do like to impress. [But then he ponders Mal's question for a moment] I tried to show Alina, yes. Both of you, even, but more her, I suppose. But now? Sometimes I'm not even sure what's behind the smoke and mirrors.
Sometimes I still feel like a monster. Like all that darkness is still gnawing its way deep inside of me. [He says before knocking back another drink. Well, he does have to catch up to Mal, doesn't he?]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-06 11:31 am (UTC)He loves her. He thinks a part of him always will. But there’s a steady resentment growing between them, festering in the sorrow clinging to their hearts, and neither know how to move past it. Perhaps both of them feel more dead than alive, but only Mal feels death in the corners of his mind, memories flickering through him that he has no hope of banishing.
And if he really thinks about it, Alina can’t understand. It’s unfair to ask her to, just as he can’t wrap his mind around the Darkling’s twisted hold on her. He knows the tremendous guilt she carries for doing this to him. He doesn’t want to add to it, and that’s why he’s alone more often than not, trying to make sense of the complications within his mind, but he’s no closer than he was at the start. But when he talks to Nikolai, perhaps it’s wishful thinking, but he feels like there’s a possibility that he can understand. ]
The Darkling is gone, but he left us all his gifts. [ They’re haunted by the darkness he’d left behind, and Mal’s eyes travel to Nikolai’s hands, the gloves he wears somehow adding to the mysterious charm of his persona, but Mal knows the real reason they’re there. He doesn’t care who sees his scars — and there are many — but Nikolai’s are different. They’re a constant reminder of having his humanity forcibly stripped away, enslaved by the darkness. He remembers Alina telling him about the blood, and he wonders if Nikolai remembers who he’d killed when he wasn’t himself. He gestures to the gloves. ] Have they gotten better? [ Could he ever touch someone with his bare hands again? ]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-07 08:52 pm (UTC)[Easier for the King of scars to say, possibly, but he knows they can only do their best. They all have been, he's sure of it. He still loves Alina as well- as much as he could love her in the short period of time they had together. He wonders if she ever told Mal that Nikolai had asked her to stay again, but she went with Mal instead. Or course she did. She was always going to.
But the Darkling still has a hold on them on, that much is clear as well. Nikolai understands that part of it as well. He understands. ]
How generous of him.
[Nikolai says bitterly. He glances down at his gloved hands when he notices Mal looking and his hands tighten around the glass he's holding. ]
Not by much. I don't think they ever will. It seems like such a foolish thing, but I don't think I'd ever let anyone see.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-08 02:12 am (UTC)Ravka doesn't offer any other life besides being a soldier. [ He can't keep the bitterness from his words, and he almost wants to take them back, knowing that Nikolai yearns for better for this country. He's certainly an improvement from his father, but change is slow, and Mal is tired of the hopelessness.
But then he feels a stab of guilt at Nikolai's next admission, the shame he bears so visible that he doesn't have to see his hands at all. The circle of people who know the truth is small, and now he feel it will remain that way, a terrible secret that will keep Nikolai just out of reach of a real connection with anyone. Mal's relationship with Alina might be showing fissures under pressure, but their intimacy has always been an easy thing. He rubs the scar at his chin and twists his empty glass in his fingers. ] They're battle scars. People can't fault their king for fighting for his people.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-08 02:59 am (UTC)You could always.... [he pauses, then takes a deep breath] You could always come back and work with me. We could use someone like you. I could use someone like you around, Mal.
[Nikolai knows Mal is right, but it still reminds himself of such a dark part of himself that he's not even sure is completely gone. He doesn't want to lose any more of himself]
No, but it isn't just about that.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-08 07:22 am (UTC)What exactly would I do, moi tsar? [ Sarcasm drips from his words, but he's only biting back because he feels wounded, useless. What purpose could he possibly serve? Without Alina, he doesn't amount to much. He'd only ever been important when he was giving his all daily to keep her safe as her personal guard.
He caves and orders yet another drink. ] What else is it about? You're allowed to have flaws.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-09 10:54 am (UTC)The sarcasm doesn't bother him, he expects it by now. He takes a drink thinking. ]
I need people around me who know the lay of the land. Who know the ways of the First Army but who aren't blind to everything else around them. People I can trust. I trust you, Mal. And I don't believe that your skills were tied to that one single thing.
[He stays quiet for a long moment, then glances at Mal]
No. Not yet. I am still establishing myself as King. Flaws can be detrimental, especially ones that remind you that you were a monster.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-09 03:39 pm (UTC)He swallows, drumming his fingers lightly atop the scarred bar. ] Would I be in your guard? [ He already knows many of the others. Zoya, Genya, David. People he trusts now, people he’s risked his life beside. He knows if any change is to come, Nikolai can’t fight the people closest to him. He needs people he can trust. ] If I don’t get a fancy pin, the answer is no.
[ He tips his glass back, then looks down at the wavering liquid when he sets it back down, knowing that Nikolai is right about the scars. They’re a weakness he can’t afford, something that might scare the superstitious people, and there’s already enough unrest about the grisha. ] Your story isn’t mine to tell. Your secret will always be safe with me.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-10 12:56 am (UTC)You would be, yes and you already know some of the others. [Like Mal is thinking- Zoya, Genya, David, a few others. The ones he can trust. The ones who he knows can help him rebuild Ravka] I can have a fancy pin made for you by morning if that's what it takes.
[And this is one of the many reasons it would be good to have Mal around. He understands. He knows about the weaknesses he can't afford and Nikolai knows that his secrets will always be safe] I know they will be. So what do you say?
no subject
Date: 2017-12-10 02:15 am (UTC)He turns slightly, letting go of his glass to offer his hand to shake. ] I'll have to get used to bowing again.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-10 02:22 am (UTC)He smiles when Mal extends his hand and reaches out, curling his fingers around it in a handshake.]
Maybe only once a day. But you'll definitely have the fancy pin, I'll make sure of it.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-10 02:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-12-10 03:07 am (UTC)[Nikolai suddenly feels a great weight lift from his shoulders as well. A strong, firm handshake as he can manage, and then he's make to ordering another two drinks to.. celebrate? Sure. This is a cause for celebration.]
The bluest blue. You can be sure of it.